Am I too young for Marriage?

Updated: May 21, 2020

The answer is no, as long as you're legally an adult of course, but that has little to do with age and more to do with everything else this blog touches on.

I don’t know if there’s an agreed upon handbook for marriage, or if there’s some guideline somewhere that has a chronological timeline of when marriage is “allowed,” besides the guideline of legal age of consent, obviously. But somehow, I keep hearing that 23 is “too young” for marriage. IS there a rule book I haven’t been made aware of, or are people just very good at inserting their opinions into things that have nothing to do with them? I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s the latter.

I can’t tell you how often I hear “you’re so young, why are you already married?” almost exclusively from people who I don’t know, or at least those I don’t know very well. And I agree, I AM young, I have so much life left to live; and I’d prefer to live those years with my husband, thank you very much. I don’t think there’s some magic age where you suddenly understand the sanctity of marriage and therefore are considered “ready” for marriage. There’s not rulebook for life, and I refuse to live for other people.

Of course I’m not an expert, I don’t have a degree in psychology or in marriage counseling for that matter, but I do like to think I have very happy and healthy marriage. Thanks, in part, to the amazing examples I have of what a marriage should look like, including some of 50+ years. NOW, I do think there are some prerequisites for marriage that have nothing to do with how many times the earth has revolved around the sun since I’ve been on it.

You SHOULD be independent. The definition of this will obviously vary person to person but, in general, independence is a pretty agreed upon term. You should be making your own money and be financially independent of your parents and family. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t live with your parents before marriage, of course, as culturally and socially this will vary. But it does mean you should be a functioning and independent adult, contributing to your parents’ household rather than being completely taken care of by your parents or childhood caretakers.

You SHOULD have knowledge of how to run a household. Can you pay bills? Can you figure out how to clean a toilet? Can you cook something besides butter noodles and grilled cheese? Can you schedule your own appointments? Can you pick up someone else’s socks off the floor every single day, even after asking them to do it 100’s of times, without killing them? Can you obey the rules of an HOA, who send you warnings about your leaves touching your neighbors leaves? You get the point.

You SHOULD be able to advocate for yourself. No one will be there to hold your hand when you have your first major disagreement with your spouse, and no one should have to be. You don’t want to involve your friends or family members in every minor problem you and your spouse may have. This will, almost inevitably, lead to resentment of your new spouse by family members; which can ultimately lead to resentment of your new spouse by YOU. By advocating for yourself though, you won’t need your parents, older siblings or friends to do it for you. Learn how your partner fights and work together to come up with a strategy to alleviate arguments and disagreements between the two of you, instead of involving your parents, friends, aunts and uncles and third cousins.

And last but certainly not least, you should LOVE yourself. This doesn’t mean you don’t have things to work on, or you’re done experiencing personal growth. But this does mean you have self-respect, self-worth and some idea of what it takes to care for yourself. This means you know your worth, know what you deserve and know you’re worthy of love, kindness, care and compassion. As our lord and savior RuPaul would say “if you don’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?!”


Can I get an AMEN.

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